Ilus hommik

Eile sai siis jõekallast palistatud ja 5 vorelli ära nopitud. Aga seisad vees, madalas vees, üle jõe paenduvad puud (lepad) peamiselt ja järsku tunned et oled katedraalis. Katedraalis kus elavad kalad ja kus elab vesi ja kus sina vaid külas oled hetkeks. Ja siis ta tuleb, ma ei teagi mis on suurem elamus kas kala otsa jäämine või jäälinnu kiire möödalend. Sügisel tulevad vesipapid. Jäälind on lendav elus kalliskivi, ilus lind on. Ja mikroelust ma ei teagi, neist vähkidest keda kalad söövad ega paljustki. Putukatest. Väga palju elu läheb must märkamatult mööda millest ma ei tea. Ja ei suuda tajuda seda ilma langenuna, seal jões. Ehk on ainsaks langemise märgiks seal see et mina tapja olen kohal ja teised kohalikud tapjad veel peale. Lepaseened kasvasid sealsamas jõepervel. Siuke tunne nagu oleksid kirikus aga sellises vaikses väga rahulikus kirikus kus kõik tundub staatiline kuni selle hetkeni kui hakkab sündima ja sööstud aset leidvad, kellegi järgi, kellegi eest. Ja üks väike pöörlev võõrkeha mängib elusorganismi ja petab kala ära. Ja petabki ära. Dünaamikad muutuvad, üksi kord ei ole sarnane. Kala on teises kohas. Ja kallas on väljakutse, mul on seda oma marsruuti ikka veel tubli 7 km läbimata, siis saaksin ehk öelda et ma seda jõge tunnen. Praegu veel mitte. Aga ega sa peagi sest iga kord on uus niiehknaa, sina oled ka vananedes uus seal selles kohas. Aga jões leiab aset leppimine selle ilmaga, las ta olla peale selline nagu ta on. Las olla murdmine ja tapmine. Kui pole paremat võtta kusagilt. Inimeste ilmas on aga kõik palju hullem ja koledam. Ma ei taha jõkke inimesi. Tõeline kalalkäik on see kus ma olen üksi omas jões. Täielikult kontsentreerunud, kella vaatamata, vaikselt hiiliv sest jah forell kardab inimest erinevalt haugist kel pole kedagi karta peale inimese keda ta kartma peaks aga ei karda ikka näed. Täna õhtul on juba teine jõgi ja teine dünaamika ja teine kala. Kõik on teine.

Täna on ihu mõnusalt räidinud ja piimhappene aga pole viga mis hullusti see uuesti. Inimeste maailma rafineeritud tapmine ja survamine on kuidagi märksa hullem ja inetum. Lõputu pälvimuslik ponnistamine. Lõputud usaldumused ja reetmised. Mäng kus võidab see kes suuremal usaldusastmel enne reeta jõuab. Sest ilma usaldumuseta ei saa keegi aga me õpime kartma sest oleme kõrvetada saanud aga ilma usaldumuseta me ka ei saa. Nii uurime me ääriveeri et kas ikka…. ja viimaks saame aru et jah tõesti seekord ei ole ohtu ja usaldume ja saame taas petta aga me alustame uuesti sest me ei saa muidu. Me ise vajame seda. Ja me tahame vastu saada mingit püsivust, pidevust. Aga pidevus neelab üht nuga nagu luulekogu pealkiri sedastab. Ja siis jälle, oli lant mitte kala, kidad suus kinni veetakse meid kuhugile kuhu me ei taha minna, nagu Jeesus Peetrile ütles. Käed raudus, käed kinni. Keeltpidi kinni külmas rauas, mis tundus nii selle pärisasja moodi et me ei saanud sööstmata jätta.

Onu Raivol pole täna vigagi väga. Ma olen sellest homovärgist tüdinend olgu siis mispidi võtta tahes. Las maailm kõnnib oma rada. Vargad varastavad, litsid..löövad litsi jne jms. Nagu Brecht kord ütles. Teistsuguse maailma võimalikkus on olemas aga mitte siin nüüd ja praegu. Ei paku seda ka kirik. Seesama rivaliteet, aint teises kuues. Mustas või valges, lõkadega või ilma. Muud miskid. Ja keegi ei pääse või siis pääsevad kõik, ja mis vahet seal viimselt on. Kui kriteeriumid on hägusad. Tegelt ei ole need minu jaoks hägusad aga ma olen vaene mees Koguja raamatust kellel võib olla hea nõu aga seda ei võeta kuulda sest ta ei ületa künnist ja ta on vaene. Vana kindral Bolivar oma labürindis /Marguez. (General in his labyrinth). Vana Zhevardnadze kes ootab et veel hullemaks läheks nii hulluks et viimaks tuldaks tema käest küsima. Aga ei tulda, ta võib küll ju teada aga küsima ei tulda ometi. Ja kas ei oota vargsi kõik organisatsioonid eriti moraalivardjad et läheks hullemaks, nii hulluks et nemad saaks öelda – aga vennad, see on sellepärast et te….. ja järgneb loetelu.  Mina ütleks ühte, seda mis oli ja on evangeelium et – te olete au Issanda risti löönud, see oli Peetri Neljapüha sõnum, ainus õige evangeeliumi sõnum. Enam nii ei kuulutata, sest…. meie põlvele ei saa nii öelda sest nemad pole seda sõna otseses mõttes ju teinud. Aga on küll – iga survang, viktimisatsioon, stigmatiseering, sildistamine on Jeesuse ristilööm. See et sa osaled selle ilma rivaliteetides ja lähed iga päev tööle naelad ja haamer kaasas ja silt INRI kotis. See tähendabki seda. Aga me pageme nii kollektiivse kui ka isikliku  vastutuse  eest ja teeme Jeesusest säärase kes annab meile identiteedi ja enesehinnagu ja läbilöömise ja enesekehtestamise jne jms alal pidevalt igapäiseid järeleaitamistunde ja siis kui saame tublideks kiskjateks ja oleme n.ö. edukad siis oleme me Jeesusele siiralt tänulikud et ta on aidanud meil mitte elada oma Evangeeliumi järele ja ehk hakkame me siis koguni kümnist maksma. Ma ei arva et nüüd nii hulluks asi läheks aga vahel võib sedagi juhtuda. Või teeme me tast siis ühe mõnusa printsiibi, ütleme et ususeemne oma nagu Oral Roberts tegi. Ja muudkui külime ja lõikame või siis teeme tast säherdse printsiibi et…. no ma ei tea. It’s gonna be God’s way or no way. Tore printsiip aint et kuidas see Go’d way on? Selleks peaksid sa keelduma osalemast selle ilma skeemes aga seda sa ju ei tee. Parimal juhul saab sust ehk kohtunik, teiste ja enda üle. Kes vilistab siis kui reegleid rikutakse. Aga parimalgi juhul mitte eriti aus kohtunik. Kes vahel ja eriti enda puhul ka vilistamata jätab. Ehk teisisõnu saab sust reeglipärase rivaliteedi eestvõitleja. See on parim milleks me võimelised oleme tavaliselt. Ja nimetame seda siis peale aususeks. Aga jumalik otsejuhtimine  paneb sageli ka otse vastupidiselt reegleid rikkuma. Nagu keegi ütles loosungi kohta ausalt on võimalik et ei ole ausalt võimalik. Ju ta teadis siis.  Ja äris on see kõige ilmsem. Sul on õigus sest sa saad andeks. Ausalt on ehk võimalik vaid siis kui sa ei löö kaasa. Aga ehk ongi rõhk võimalikkusel mitte aususel. Ja ausalt viitab sellele sul on võimalik, tõesti võimalik läbi lüüa, hakkama saada ja ennast kehtestada.

Honesty is best policy. Olen ka endalegi ootamatult ausaks muutunud. See suvi leidsin pihuarvuti, Canon 500 fotokaamera ja 500 krooni. Kaks esimest andsin tagasi, kolmat ei and sest ei tead kellele anda. Ja sain leiutasu heldelt sain. Hea süüme veel peale. Muidu oleks ikka vahel mõeld et mine tea kas tuleb välja või ei tule. Aga kaamerat tahaks küll, see projekt ikka veel seemnes et tahaks pilta teha, loodusest mitte inimestest. Inimesed ei ole huvitavad v.a. vahel harva ja väikestes kogustes.

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  1. 1 annabaru Tagasisideviide, 10.03.2012, 20:50

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